So this week is the suckaversery of the last time I saw my mom. I still wake up from dreaming about her and get a hitch in my heart when I have to remember that she’s gone all over again. I see her everywhere. And want to call her. And hang out with her. And talk to her. And want her to come visit me again. I want her to kiss me on the cheek. And pray for me. And love me all the time no matter what. Nobody else is like a mom, ya’ll. I’d like to be a mom, I think. I’d rather do it when she was here, but I think I can do it like she’s here, even though she’s not.

This was a tough year, no lie. It was hard to talk to my Mom’s Mom, and her sisters. It was not fun to watch my Michelle and Jonathan and Robert and Kristin hurting. For the first few months I found it impossible to talk to Liz without losing it. Daniel. Well, Dan, broke my heart sometimes just to look at his face. And Dad, man. Sometimes it was like we lost him too.

But here’s the thing. Isaac has it all right. Isaac misses Mom. And he has special pictures and things of hers that he is keeping safe. But Isaac has this great capacity for joy. And for life. On a particularly sad day some months ago, Isaac woke up all groggy eyed as he does, and he rolled off my couch and looked at me and said: “It’s a good day to be alive.” And he’s right. It is.

You know, all those years Mom was praying for us like it was her job. Even before I was born she was making her case to God for me. And you know what? I think He gave her exactly what she wanted for each of us. He gave us just what we needed. And of all the things on her prayer list, I know that is what she wanted the most.

It’s a little comforting to know that I get to live the life that Mom wanted for me. I have nothing to complain about; period. I love my job. My husband is my best friend. Michelle, Jonny, Rob, KFree, Lizzy, Dan the Man, Zack-o, The Aunts, everybody is here for each other. All the time; night or day. And I am never lonely or afraid. I don’t need anything that He hasn’t already given me. And we all have that just-what-we-need in our own way. Looking at it now I see that God answered Mom’s prayers specifically and faithfully for each of us.

It’s been a long year. And I miss you Pretty Mom. But I’m alright in Houston. And getting better every day.